How Men Love

 

I often imagine myself as this dark, mysterious, complicated person who never shares a bond or emotion with anyone.  In my made up world I hide behind walls of bad memories and harsh life experiences.  I behave as if I am the only person in the world who has been through what I've been through.  I am sure you can relate, I've done it you've done it.  At some point we have all placed ourselves in an empty shallow world where we sleep alone, dream of happier days and dare not reach out to or admit when we care for someone. 

 

What's worse is that as a man, I was never raised comfortable with my feelings.  I'm afraid to have them, expressing them is sheer terror.  I have been a victim of myself either loving too weakly to fight for love, or too strongly and turning love into a fight.  33 is around the corner, I am unmarried with no illegitimate children, a business man, a poet, a mentor and everything I ever wanted I've gone and achieved.  Still love evades me, and I have reached a point where I understand love.  Love just doesn't understand me.

Are you aware that a man makes a choice?  Do you wonder where I've been?  I search to find a love within, and I came back to let you know.  I've got a thing for you and I can't let it go. -Do For Love by:Bobby Caldwell

Men live and die in their decisions, we make them consciously with as much data as we can process in our primitive minds.  Love is that exception, it just happens.  Love happens somewhere between a first smile and the realization that her battles have become your battles.  Only because you feel yourself better equipped and you fear harm coming to her, but never feared anything else.

I have known fearlessness.  I have loved a woman with ferocity, tried to tear the world that held her back to shreds.  I have ravaged women savagely making love on the remnants of our clothes, pleasuring her till nails tore my back to shreds.  I have been an animal and I have torn the woman I loved to shreds in the same moment.  I have made her promises that we would never change, but we can never be the same.  I have loved so hard fighting with her, became fighting her.  We defeated her demons but I wasn't done and she was the only thing left to fight.  I am capable of loving incorrectly.

They say if you love something let it go.  A diamond ring, a dollar bill if it has value you protect it and you honor it.  One mans trash is another mans treasure.  I loved to weakly to fight for her, to change for her.  Perhaps I shouldn't have had to, maybe I should have simply wanted to.  When love is a flame that burns like a candle in the wind you cannot carry it with apprehension.  When man learns to fight he first taught to stand strong.  I should not have come home with out her, nor let her stay.  I should have stood my ground then, we all make mistakes.

What mistake am I making now?  I remember the first time I saw your smile and every smile that came after that.  Its easy when I don't see you often, I know its better that way.  I have watched you fight you battles impressed at your skills, I've never taken my eyes off you.  Until I realized we were standing side by side fighting together and in the moment I paused, you said you didn't need my help.  Woman ... Beautiful, soft, kind woman what other use am I?  I have loved too weakly to hold on, so strong I crushed love in my grasp.  You bring me balance, I could love you perfectly.

Is there such a thing as perfection in a world of shallow dreamers?  I can only make half of this choice, and I am guessing you women love differently or I live too simply.  If I choose you to be my Earth and you push me into space, know that it is cold out here.  If I am love and I give into this space there is no air and I may die.