All I ever wanted was to be better than a man I never knew. It must be placed in our DNA by God, the aspirations to surpass our fathers. Even when you are light chasing shadows you can never grasp, never study, never know, so seek to go beyond them. In my case I seek to surpass legend, or nightmare depending on who is telling the story.
My father in the eyes of my mother was an immature man who lacked focus. Life was about fun, enjoyment he was a carnival worker with a slick tongue and gleaming eyes. An actor by aspiration, perhaps their love affair was all an act. As he said goodbye to his high school sweetheart he was just friends with to move to Michigan to be with my mother and eventually father me. Sadly it was only in my older age that fidelity seemed to be something all Jones men chose cast aside. My mother carried the righteous acts of a man in high regard. She valued trust, loyalty, fidelity, and integrity above money, stability and even love. No wonder their relationship did not last far past age two. However I was left asking the questions: Would I hurt my mother the same as my father, would I walked the path of the man whose ominous shadow I stood in, how far would the apple actually fall from the tree.
Apples do not fall from Orange trees. My father and I could not be more different. Like him I learned to lie, womanizing came natural, cutting corners to get a head was always an option but unlike him I chose not to. I went to see my father for New Years 6 months before my 22nd birthday; he had missed the previous 20. To my surprise my un-divorced father had married that high school sweetheart of his, in a church before God. To this day people wonder and my disdain for religion. My father parented 3 children besides myself and played a highly active role in their lives until like me he abandoned them. He stayed until like my mother he left the current "wife" for another woman.
Then came the man that is me. Often I am the abrasive heartless asshole, only because I try to be blunt and straightforward. The best lies are the ones you are coerced into telling yourself so I keep it raw to avoid confusion. I once read that honor is not something to be bought or used but something to be kept, I live by that. Many things go into defining a man, perhaps my father missed those lessons. At almost 32 I am content in knowing I don't have to be better than a man I still don't know. I only answer to a mirror in the morning and my dreams while I sleep peacefully may I add.
Above my bed are reminders of who I am and who I will become.
- God
- King
- Man
A reminder that any man can be a King, even King's answer to God and that God puts his faith in man. If God believes in my how can I not believe in myself?
The God plaque says "Those that believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, anguish in their minds, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe in the God idea and not God."
The King plaque says "there is no King who has not had a slave among his ancestors and not a slave who has not had a King among his."
The man plaque says simply a man is Strength, Honor and Integrity
I live by the latter to become the former.
